you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
