God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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