Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
