Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
