Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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