I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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