I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
