you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
