I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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