I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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