Can i not drive my cunt home
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
