the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
