I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
