I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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