mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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