WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
