I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
