now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Holy sore nipples Batman
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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