I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
