what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
