Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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