Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
