dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
