i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
