I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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