after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
