Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
