These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
