Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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