i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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