I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
