There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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