i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
