If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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