His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
