Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize