Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
