he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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