When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
