I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
