The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
