would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
