Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
