I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
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