I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
