All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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