please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
