If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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