Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
