Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
