also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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