I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
