I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Drake has all the answers
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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