It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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