Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
