I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
