Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
