remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
