Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
