I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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