my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
