don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
