he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
