i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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