you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize