Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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