Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
