We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
