I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
