I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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